


No More

by Denizen_of_Dreamland



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Blasphemy, Depression, Drama, Experimental Style, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Monologue, Mental Instability, Mentions of Past Murder, No Dialogue, POV First Person, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Pre-Canon, Psychological Trauma, References to God(s), Self-Sacrificial Tendencies, Stream of Consciousness, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, Whump, Whumptober 2020, mentions of guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:01:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27090904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Denizen_of_Dreamland/pseuds/Denizen_of_Dreamland
Summary: It’s my fault that Rumi’s parents died. I was there, I should’ve done something--
Kudos: 11
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	No More

**Author's Note:**

> **No 19. BROKEN HEARTS**  
>  **Grief** | Mourning Loved One | **Survivor’s Guilt**
> 
> [Here's my Tumblr!](https://denizen-of-dreamland.tumblr.com)

Rumi’s mom… Rumi’s dad...

Dead. Bleeding on the floor. Their limp bodies taken away by paramedics.

Rumi herself…

Bedridden. Unresponsive. Functionally dead.

It’s unfair.

It’s unfair that I’m here, breathing, living, thinking, speaking, _existing,_ and that Rumi and her family are just… gone.

I can’t believe... that I was the only one who made it out.

Me.

  
  
  
  
  
  


I look around.

An empty room.

Just me and my thoughts...

It seems oddly fitting, doesn’t it?

Since it was my fault that Rumi and her parents got hurt…

Now I’m condemned to suffer alone in my own personal hell.

Ha… haha...

I wish everything would go back to the way it was.

To how it would be. if Rumi and her parents hadn’t been there. At the wrong place. at the wrong time.

Why did it have to end like this…?

It’s unfair.

_And I can’t do anything about it!_

It’s too late, too late, I can’t fix it, I let it happen and didn’t do anything to make it stop and now I have to endure all of this, all of this… pain.  
  


If only I had done something back then…

If only I had stopped the burglars, or jumped in front of them and pushed Rumi’s parents out the way...

_I was there, I was there, why didn’t I do anything--_

If only things had been different in any way, this wouldn’t be happening --

Why didn’t I do anything?!

I could’ve said something like

_Why don’t we go out for dinner, to spare your mother the trouble of cooking for us?_

or

_Why don’t we meet at my place instead? I’d love to cook for all of you._

and ushered everyone out of the house, and kept them safe so that when the burglars arrived--

oh.

_The burglars. They had guns. guns guns they pointed at me and I panicked and froze and didn’t do anything and I--_

Stop.

Please…

I didn’t… I didn’t know…

It’s not reasonable to think that there’s anything I could’ve done.

_But I should’ve tried._

A single move , a call for help, something , anything _\-- could’ve changed everything !_

But I didn’t. Do. Anything.

I stood there. Like an idiot. Watching as the bloodshed unfolded in front of me, as my eyes refused to register what they were seeing.

Why am I so _spineless?!_

And what I saw --

God, I can’t say it. The words are stuck in my throat.

I’ll never be able to forget...

The people who brought Rumi into this world, who raised her, gave her love and affection and watched her grow...

_Getting shot to death --_

_A man who couldn’t fight back --_

_A woman’s ear-splitting screech --_

_a defenseless couple, trying to hold on --_

I was there when Rumi’s parents died 

_I was there, I was there, why didn’t I do anything--_  
  


It should’ve been me _, it should have been_ **_me !_ **

  
  
  


Would Rumi have been happier if it had been me?

I don’t know.

_I don’t know!_

It’s all my fault, if I had done anything I could’ve --

I could’ve saved them!

_But I didn’t._

I was...

~~Useless.~~

~~Pitiful.~~

Weak.

Pathetic.

  
  


If there is a God out there, _please!_

Please, take all of me, in exchange for Rumi’s happiness --

Please --

_Use me !_

_Rip me to pieces !_

_Strip me of whatever’s left of me, of my hard work, of my dignity, of my sanity, of my body and mind,_ for the sake of Rumi and her family --

I beg you, please… take me as an offering, and unload all of their suffering onto me instead!

I’ll be your rag doll, your sacrificial lamb, your… your anything…

Please, just not… not Rumi…

  
  
  
  
  
  


My head hurts.

I wait patiently, in the silence of my room, but.

Nothing.

My prayers go unheard.

I stand, breathlessly, with my arms splayed out, staring at the ceiling like the hopeless fool I am.

Waiting.

But God doesn’t _listen._

_God doesn’t --_

God doesn’t _listen -- ! he_ refuses to help -- it’s _disgusting -- !_

Why doesn’t he do _shit?!_

Can’t he see I’ve had enough of this?!

I just want him to leave Rumi alone -- she doesn’t deserve to suffer like this!

  
  
  


Ha… haha…

I truly am helpless.

  
  
  


I want to die.

I want to die, _dammit!_

Why won’t you just… let me go...?

Why do I have to keep living on, waking up morning after morning , day after day, walking around the streets , pretending that nothing’s wrong, that everything’s normal, that I am _fine_

when

Clearly

I’m crumbling on the inside

unable to see a way out.

Drowning

in my own guilt and sorrow and the weight of the things I failed to do...

Why do _I_ have to endure all of this suffering?

What did I ever do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?

  
  
  
  
  
  


What did _Rumi_ do to deserve this…?

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


No one has the answers to that. Of course not.

  
  
  


I can’t stop the tears flowing out of my eyes.

I wipe my cheeks with my sleeves, only for them to get soaked once again before I can even lower my arms.

God...

I’m so… pitiful.

Someone should put me out of my misery...

  
  
  


But it’s too late for that.

If I were to die now, nothing would change.

Not even by offering my life can I accomplish anything!

I’m so…!

Useless.

Pitiful.

Weak.

Pathetic.

As I was on that day.

And yet I continue to live on!

God, I’m such a coward...

I deserve this. _I deserve all of this!_

After failing to protect Rumi and her parents, I deserve to carry all of this pain. This weight, on my back. These weights, chained to my legs. The noose tied around my neck.

As I wander through the world , trudging through my everyday life, being dragged by the passage of time, which doesn’t wait for anyone.

Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick tock… and my life keeps wasting away.

Work, work, hospital visit. Work, work, collapsing into bed in spite of myself. Work, work, struggling to build up the energy to get out of bed, to eat, to shower _\-- everything feels like such a chore --_ after I lost all of the happiness I took for granted -- why? why do I keep living on ?

Why can’t anyone _see?_

They can’t _see_ how much it hurts…

They don’t understand that I’m not the person who I used to be.

That nothing will ever patch up these holes in my heart.

The only thing they see is my fake smile… the facade I’ve carefully crafted to blend in with everyone else… and they all eat it up without a peep.

Ha… haha...

And to think I could’ve died on that day.

And that, if I had died, maybe Rumi’s parents could’ve lived.

And, maybe, in such a reality…

Rumi could’ve been happy without me.


End file.
